Almost
by IFindSlashInEverything
Summary: "You drew me in and threw me out, the trust we had is now burned out. If it takes eternity I'll never forgive you" Warning angsty saphael songfic.


Raphael's Pov

 _We started off as a nightmare_

 _I wanted to sink my teeth into you_

How? How in the course of a month did everything fall apart? From a red headed newbie Shadowhuter who talked of peace after centuries of being on opposite sides when she could barely hold her seraph blade to a annoying and nerdy Mundane turned Vampire who clung to his old life while trying to work both sides of the Downworld. Together they turned his life upside down, both in different ways. Valentine's daughter violated his system and his life while also talking his former clan leader and now arch enemy with her along with their fledgling.

Ah the fledging, Simon, the boy who dug and crawled under my skin and stole my heart only to leave it behind him in a trail of dust as he ran off with his "true love". The worst part of this wasn't the bone crushing betrayal or the fact that I knew Simon didn't want this to happen, the worst part is that no matter how much it hurt me or how much torture it put the clan through, I still love with with all that I am. Because when you love someone the way I love Simon, almost nothing could sway your heart.

 _Now I can't stand the sight of you_

 _Why did you have to betray me?_

I stand alone on the roof of the Hotel Dumort, staring off to where I knew the Institute was, where I knew my love was. I was hurt, I'm in pieces but right now I was torn from feeling my own pain and wanting to take Simon's away. That night, the night everything came crashing down I saw the look on his face when I called his a traitor, the total anguish and the complete loss of everything he knew gone with a few words. It absolutely killed me to put a price on his head but I had no choice, not at that moment. I couldn't seem weak and broken in the eyes of my people, they needed me right now and the whole hotel would have burned down if they knew of my feelings for Simon. If they had found out we both could have lost it all that day. It still felt like I did.

The sun was about to come out but I couldn't bring myself to care, feeling my skin burn would be a blessing compared to the pain I was already feeling. But I knew I had to leave, I couldn't leave the clan with this chaos so I silently went to my room and laid on my bed and let the events of the past few weeks wash over me until I felt the bloody streaks.

In that moment I had never felt more weak and I let my body shut down.

 _You drew me in and threw me out_

 _The trust we had is now burned out_

 _If it takes eternity I'll never forgive you_

 _But I'll never be able to forget you_

 _Or the almost we were so close to_

Simon's Pov

 _How did we end up so broken?_

 _Your pride, my loyalty, your anger, my jealousy_

 _Why did my feelings cloud my judgement that day_

I knew the sun was about to rise, I couldn't see it but I felt it. Once I entered the Institute Clary put me in a room in the bowels of the building, for my own protection she told me but I knew it was a lie. The other Shadowhunters just wanted me out of the way, they didn't want me there at all but I was under the "protection" of Clary, Izzy and Jocelyn who I haven't even gotten to see yet. But I didn't care about any of that, the only thing I cared about was Raphael. How could I have done that to him? How could I have torn apart all the hard work we put into this, into everything. I had gotten Raphael's trust and friendship but then I threw it away without a second thought until it all came rushing back to me once it was over. God if I could have gone back I would have changed so much, I would have said no to Clary and I would have told Raphael I love him.

It's ironic isn't it? The moment I'm ready to tell Raphael how I feel something just had to come along to fuck it up. Now I've got a price on my head and I'll never get to see him again. It hurts but I'd rather never see his beautiful face again than see the anger, hate, betrayal and disappointment in his eyes.

 _In the name of love I lost more than I gained_

 _I lost almost everything_

The door opened behind me put I didn't bother to look, with the smell of angel blood and perfume I knew it was Clary and Jocelyn. Instead of turning to them with a blinding smile and open arms like normal I stayed in place, stone faced and not wanting to see them. I was feeling bitter towards them, yes I loved them but right now I blamed them for everything. I blamed them for me becoming a vampire, I blamed them for Camille being free, I blame them for my banishment and I blamed them for making me lose my love.

They must have sensed my inner battle because they both wrapped themselves around me, I stiffened but didn't move. I continued to stare blankely at the wall as a bloody tear escaped, I needed comfort but not from them, anyone but them. Eventually they got the message because they finally pulled away. I heard them drop something on the bed, a bag of blood probably, and they left without a word. I turned and saw I was right, and seeing it someone fueled my anger more. I rushed over and began pulling at the bad until it exploded, splattering blood all over me and onto the floor. I didn't bother trying to clean myself up, why should I? I don't even deserve blood, I deserve to die. In a continued frezy things became hazy and before I knew it I was using the blood on my hands to paint words on the grey bricks.

Monster.

Bloodsucker.

Traitor.

Die.

Raphael.

I kept writing and writing until the blood dried. That morning I cried myself to sleep, dreaming nightmares of my Raphael as a demon slowly killed me over centuries, him enjoying every moment.

 _I drew you in and threw you out_

 _The trust I gained is now burned out_

 _Even after eternity you'll never forgive me_

 _But I'll never forget you_

 _Or the almost we were so close to_

No One's Pov

As both boys tossed and turned, their pain taking over their sleep, their suppost systems were feeling for them. The clan wanted to wage war against Simon and the Shadowhunters who harbored him, sadly they knew an attack would be fruitless and they'd lose too much for it to be worth it. Clary felt the same, she wanted to take them down but even she knew she had no just cause to do so. It didn't help that she knew she was to blame, if she had just left Simon out of it maybe things could have been different. Since she can't go back she made a vow that this time she would devote more time to her best friend, she'd be his rock and help him through this while her and the other searched for her father and brother. This time she would make sure that he was never alone. The clan decided to make the same vow, to be there for their friend and leader. They vowed to cushion the blow and make things better for him and for all of them.

But it wasn't going to be easy, both Raphael and Simon desperately wanted to at least try to fix things or at least see each other once but they knew their friends wouldn't accept that. They'd say it was a terrible idea and that they need to stay away for their own good and protection. They knew it was a bad idea themselves but they couldn't help but think it, they love each other. But even if they did see each other and even if they did fix things it could never go back to the way things were, they all were too broken.

 _Even if we tried to fix this_

 _So many people are against it_

 _And things wouldn't have been the same_

 _You can't rebuild something this broken_

 _Maybe in another time_

Simon and Raphael both woke with a scream, covered in a cool sweat with dried blood from the tears they cried in their sleep. Both had experienced terribly lucid visions of Camille, Shadowhunters, death and each other. They couldn't live like this, day after day of not being together while being plagued with horrible sights of blood and torture. They would both rather die together now than live apart for the rest of their lives.

And so they would. They knew it was selfish and reckless but that's what love was.

Raphael jumped out of bed and sped through the hotel to run the streets of New York, his speed just fast enough to out do the sun light nipping at his heels. While he ran through the city Simon broke out of his room and ran threw the halls, turning corning and pushing past every Shadowhunter that came into sight. Things beame hectic when he reached the main room where Luke, Jocelyn, Clary, Izzy, Alec and the other Lightwoods spotted him. He made the mistake of looking at Clary who knew that he was about to do something drastic. She ran towards him but he ran off and towards the exit, the others hot on his tail.

Simon pulled the doors open but stumbled back in shock when he saw Raphael standing there, just out of reach of the sun. He felt arms try to hold him back but he pushed them away with ease and ran into the man's arms with so much force they spun around. They clutched each other like the world was ending, and for them it was. When they pulled apart but still locked in an embrace they saw they both had twin trails of tears flowing freely. Together they reached up and wiped the other's tears away, giving the other a watery smile.

"Are we really going to do this?" Simon hiccuped. Raphael shushed him as he petted his hair.

"Yes _mi amor_ we are"

"But what about the clan? They need you Raphael"

"I'm leaving them in good hands, Lily will take over when we're gone"

"Why leave them at all? Why leave them for the traitor?" Simon's voice broke with that word and Raphael pulled him close again.

"I'd rather die with you then be forced to never see you again because of them. I love you Simon and if departing with you is the only way I get to be with you then I'll gladly perish right now" Raphael stared into Simon's eyes as he gave him his heart yet again.

"I love you too Raphael, you mean the world to me and I promise I never meant for this to happen and I would do anything if I could go back and choose you. But I know I can't and it kills me but right now I am choosing you, I choose to be yours and join you in death because I cannot live this undead life without you"

"I feel the same way and I know this is scary, leaving everyone behind for good but..."

"But at least we'll have each other" They smiled but their moment was ruined by a voice shouting out.

"Simon please don't do this! I love you!" Clary shouted out. He turned and gave her a sad look.

"I love you too Clary but this is my choice. I know I'm leaving you but I have to, I cannot lose him Clary and I know everyone will try to keep us apart. This world is too messy, there is always chaos and I won't be able to survive it without Raphael. And don't worry, you'll me seeing me again one day and I'll be waiting"

Clary ran into his arms and cried, Simon pulled away from Raphael to comfort her, it was hard leaving her but this is what he wanted. Moments later she was pulled away by Izzy and he joined Raphael who grabbed his hand.

Together they walked into the sun, their last words a final declaration of love.

 _I love you Raphael._

 _I love you Simon._

 _We were drawn in and torn apart_

 _Our trust lies in ashes now_

 _We'll needer long than eternity for the slate to be clean_

 _Through the years you'll always be with me_

 _Just remember the almost_

Clary had turned away as her best friend died right infront of her. Once it was over she turned back, dropped to her knees and cried. She couldn't hold back the deadly sadness or soul crushing guilt that this was her fault, if she hadn't made Simon help her he would be home safe and sound in the arms of the man he loved. Because of her they both gave up their lives so that they could be together in the only way they thought they could be. And now she had to go tell their former clan that they were both dead...at that it was all their fault.

Carefully they gathered the ashes and put them in separate urns (gold for Raphael, silver for Simon) that someone found insides the Institute. Clary went with her mother to deliver Raphael's ashes to the Hotel Dumort while she clutched Simon's to her chest, like she was trying to force herself in the urn alongside him.

When they reached the entrance they were surrounded by vampires and led inside, they tried to take the urns from them but Clary let out a growl of her own every time they came close and they backed off. Once they made it in they were joined by the rest of the clan, Lily in front who demanded they state their business. Clary reluctantly gave Jocelyn Simon's urn so she could take Raphael's and give it to Lily. She looked at it confused and disgusted for a moment then her expression turned to one of horror and sadness, Raphael's signature cross was wrapped around the urn. She looked over and saw a Star of David on the urn Clary was holding to her heart and she put everything together.

"They're dead. Raphael and Simon are dead" Lily whispered and the room erupted. Half of them broke down in tears for the loss of their former leader and friend, the other half screamed bloody murder and tried to blame Simon and the Shadowhunters for his death.

"Enough!" Lily screamed out and everyone fell silent. She began to tell both sides that they couldn't blame Simon for Raphael's death and that they couldn't blame Raphael for Simon's death, it was all their fault. They were forced on opposites sides, they were their personal Romeo and Juliet. They couldn't be together in life so they choose to be together in death. Raphael and Simon were in love but they were all blind or just ignored it but it was the truth, and it was real. Maybe if they had tried to fix things with Simon, maybe if they had helped better or maybe if the Shadowhunters hadn't used Simon then maybe none of this would have happened, they were all to blame.

Now for their mistakes they had to bury two friends that night. Even though they were both from different religions they all knew that they'd want to be buried together. As much as they wanted to they couldn't keep the urns with them, it was be too sad and too painful to see their ashes every day.

So in the end they were put together, just like they wanted. And it made them all happy knowing that wherever they were, they were together and happy.


End file.
